Hi Reader,
"I feel like there's something wrong with me, like why can't I just get on a damn elevator," I confessed to my cousin.
I was feeling bad,
bad for myself,
embarrassed,
ashamed of not only what I couldn't do,
but ashamed of who I am.
Only defective people can't do normal things like get on a damn elevator.
Those words, that belief, have been like inflammation for as long as I've been anxious.
Everyone talks about 'inflammation' but what is that?
I picture it as red, hot, burning. Like the scrapes you get on your knee as a kid. And although we loved peeling those scabs as they started to heal, they always did eventually clear up and get better.
Unfortunately, this adult version of emotional inflammation never seems to go away because life keeps poking it.
"It's okay, we can take the stairs," responded my cousin.
No big deal.
But why does struggling feel like such a big deal? (Especially letting others in on that struggle.)
Many of us are used to hiding how we feel because we've been primed to believe that people can't be trusted.
This happened through having relationships with people that, well... couldn't be trusted.
I'm not looking to blame Mommy and Daddy for my problems (I did enough of that in my 20s); I'm just pointing out that these beliefs didn't come out of nowhere.
It's good to know why we behave the way we do so that we can make sense of at least something in this healing game.
For everything I discuss in this post and more, click here for this free resource.
We behave based on our beliefs about ourselves or the world.
For me, I would try to hide how I really felt because I believed that no one could help me.
As I started doing somatic therapy, I realized that not only can others help me, but more so that I don't need to be saved. All the emotional help I need is already on the inside of me.
(I'm not saying this always feels like enough, but the belief is starting to solidify.)
Changing the underlying belief helped me get out of the crazy cycle I was in, where I would be lonely for relationships but then spite myself and ruin them before they could even begin.
For you, what behaviors do you hate but can't seem to get out of the crazy cycle?
Maybe stop trying to change your habits and start working through the underlying beliefs.
Change feels icky for a long time, but then as we heal, we get glimpses of peace, trust, and a softness in the world we don't remember existed.
Thank you for being here,
🖤Donna
▪️I just came up with a FREE resource list with everything that helped me when I first started seriously healing anxiety. You can get that here.
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